Come and Suffer here

This morning my mom had a couple of seizures. It’s times like these where I just want to be back home supporting my family and I feel so much guilt. I am currently on a ferry to Vancouver and feeling especially trapped. I just got off the phone with my dad and was feeling a little emotional and so I walk in to the shop to browse some books to prevent myself from a breakdown and what song comes on the moment I enter the shop?! Slip Away by Mumford and Sons. I have listened to that entire album on repeat since my moms diagnosis. 

No more questions no more lies
Do and deal for no surprises
'Cause you will never slip away
Slip away in the night

Waiting patient for the sun to rise
In reveals a stoic smile
But you will never slip away
Slip away in the night

You find me waiting here for you
Come and suffer here
You find me holding my breath for you
Come and suffer here

In the violence of a mind's eye
We had a deal for no surprises
'Cause you will never slip away
Slip away in the night

But you're not yourself
I know you better than you
But you're not yourself
I know you better than you

You find me holding my breath for you
It's never more than I can take
I wouldn't have it any other way
You find me on my knees for you
It's never more than I can take
I wouldn't have it any other way

Don't you lie down
Be still in love
Don't you leave now
Be still in love
Don't you leave now
Be still

You find me holding my breath for you
It's never more than I can take
I wouldn't have it any other way
You find me on my knees for you
It's never more than I can take
I wouldn't have it any other way

But you're not yourself
I know you better than you
And you're not yourself
I know you better than you  I

September 23rd

Thursday was one of her best days yet. She was laughing and cracking jokes. I had my mom back that day and it was wonderful!! 

Friday she wasn’t as vibrant and I was worried about her going to relay for life. The sounds, the people, just the overall stimulation but she rocked it that night too. We all had a great time, the community raised $34 000 I believe. She  even stayed for the whole event. Everyone commented about how vibrant she looked and how well she was doing. It was a great night!!! 

Photo by Jo-Anne Procter 

The rest of the weekend she got more and more tired and was forgetting words. Like telling me she found her bag when she has her phone in her hand. 

And then today she had a little seizure. I heard it before I saw it. Thankfully this time it was only 2 minutes. She had a similar seizure to this one two seizures ago which lasted 14 minutes. So this one was easy peasy. She is able to say some words and understands everything. I hate seizures, I hate this disease 

What a freaking rollercoaster 

Love you Sawyer

I had so much fun with Sawyer yesterday. We went to Oak Hammock Marsh and played with some critters. I like to take them out as much as I can to take all of our minds off things for even a couple of hours. He was holding the teeniest tiny caterpillar and he was just staring at it with adoring eyes. And then.... ugh it makes me cry thinking about it again. He asked me “ momma do you thing callipillars get the cancer, I feel bad for them if they do”. My kids are also going through such a strange time in their lives. 

September 10th

Yesterday was anger. She hated everyone we talked about and was vocal about who she thought was ugly. Today, sweet. Not at all frustrated and more words are coming back. 

November 10th

This was the last normal day I had in the past year. It was November 10th. We went to the beach and celebrated a friends birthday and it was almost perfect.  On the way to the beach though The Tragically Hip came on the radio, like it always does in Canada. But this time I was overcome with emotion. I started bawling my eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably. My own emotions startled me. So Willow asked me what was wrong and I explained to her that I felt very sad for the lead singer and his family and friends. I went on to explain what cancer was, specifically brain cancer. The next day my mom had a few seizures. After doing a ct and mri scan  they found three tumours in my moms brain and a few days after that it was confirmed to be Glioblastoma Multiforme, the same cancer as Gord Downie. It still gives me chills. My mom and I have always been super in tune with one another but this is just eerie to me. 

I miss normal mundane days, I crave them. 

What’s a blog again?

How fitting is it  that I called this blog small town insanity when I was living in Nova Scotia 10 years ago. 10 years what the heck, time really does fly by so fast... too fast! It’s cute that I thought I was going insane back then. Living in the sweetest cape cod house on an acreage with moose as my best friends. With absolutely no responsibilities except finding new music and watching movies. Living in a gorgeous resort town with the friendliest humans. I miss you Cape Breton. You were soooo good to me! 

I am writing this blog now for myself, my mental health. I have found that running just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. Whenever I am not with my mom and don’t have any distractions I cry my face off. I never like to cry in front of people. It’s one of my weaknesses. I like to be as positive and strong (whatever that means) for my family. So when I get a minute to myself I go on backroads and cry, sometimes I scream and then quickly do the nervous look and pray no one has heard me lol. I needed another outlet. I mean alcohol would be pretty great at numbing things lol but I think that this is a much healthier option. I have always been way better at expressing myself though the written word. I have never been the most eloquent speaker and often stumble on words but when I write I can go on for hours. My grammar needs work though. See, I’m going on and on, shit!  lol. 

My life is now cancer. Literally filled with cancer. I think about cancer from the moment I wake up and think about it before I go to bed. This blog will basically be about cancer and my journey (I hate that word bc of the show the  bachelor/bachelorette) trying to navigate through it. Glioblastoma Multiforme is slowly taking over my moms brain and it has changed my entire families life. I once told her that everything she is feeling/going through I am feeling 90 percent of it. If she is in pain I am in pain, if she is sad I am sad, when she is angry I am angry. But I still have two impressionable kids to raise so I can’t show my feelings all of the time. And of course I was not given a terminal diagnosis and I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like having a death sentence. But I do know that as my mom dies a part of me dies. She is my (handclap) every (handclap) THING! Anyone who knows us know that we share a special bond. 
I am going to take a break and watch a show. Because I need me time and a little break from cancer. But I’ll probably write my next post when  I am wide awake in bed in an hour. Ugh I hate sounding so melodramatic. So not me, but this is where I’m at lol 
Ps thanks blog I feel so much better about my ramblings. Feels good to get them out of my head and not bore anybody with my Debbie downer attitude as of late. Fuck, I’m talking to a blog hahahahaha 

Whale lovers

This post was from a year ago :0

By doing a solid insta creep 6 or so months ago, I found this girls account that I was immediately drawn to. She has four kids, two are twins and are just a month younger than Sawyer (I can't imagine having twins). She lives in Canada, her name is Jenna and she takes the dreamiest photos. I instantly hit that follow button. A week later she started following me back. We commented back and forth on one anothers photos and then I saw her post a photo of a beach I hang out at regularly. My instagram crush was in my town! She private messaged me and offered to take pictures of my babes, ummm yes please!!

The day of the eve we were supposed to meet up was a gongshow. So randomly busy and my kids were just getting over colds. Little did I know we were all on the verge of getting the flu. So naturally all of our vibes were just off. I debated cancelling but thought, my kids LOVE the beach and instantly light up as soon as their little toes touch the sand. So off we went to meet Jenna. 

Isn't it crazy how we can have internet "friends" who we haven't even met before but feel like we know everything about them? Kind of weird, but I like it. She was exactly how I thought she would be. Soft spoken, adorable, personable and so darn sweet. I just wanted to scoop her up and put her in my pocket. My kids, were not so sweet. After being on the beach for 20 minutes, meltdowns started happening so fast. I kept doing that nervous laughter, repeating "they are never like this",  so typical. But I really do have the happiest babes and they are the happiest at the beach. What the heck kids, get it together. 

Jenna snapped hundreds of pics in those first fifteen minutes and they all turned out so great! She is a master. Even when Willow was having her meltdown she got the sweetest shots. She sent me 98 pictures and it's so hard to narrow down my faves but here are a handful...

ps check out Jennas instagram accounts. So dreamy J_hobbs & hobbs_photo

Dear Sawyer, (9 months)

Dear Sawyer,

We didn't do too many things out of the ordinary this past month. You are getting so quick at crawling that you can almost keep up with Jack...almost. 

- you have four teeth and and are sprouting a fifth.

- you wear anything from 12-18month to 2t clothing

- size four diapers

- you have developed quite the personality this past month. You laugh and fake laugh at everything.

- your sister and your mom are HILARIOUS

- you love books

- you are so charming and know how to put it on

- your newest party trick is to stick your tongue out. 

- you love dancing as much as your sister

- you are such a boy. You are always smashing & destroying everything that comes your way

- you give big sloppy open mouthed kisses 

- you are pretty proud when you clap or high five. 

- you loooove cuddling. Biggest snuggle bug ever.

- you pull yourself up on everything. You try so hard to walk and keep up with your sis but you fall flat on your face.

- when you nurse laying down you use me as a jungle gym

Photo By Hobbs Photography 

Dear Sawyer (8 Months)

Dear Sawyer,

Whoops, I guess we missed your 7 months post, you are already 8 months! We have been spending this gorgeous summer outside nearly everyday and I just haven't had the time to write a post. I just started looking after your buddy Jack a few times a week and you guys are hilarious to watch, you look like crazy little Italian men. It will be so fun to watch you two grow up together.

At eight months

- you are in size 4 diapers

- 12m - 12-18m clothes

- I don't know how much you weigh but at 6 months you weighed 21lbs and you have grown even more, such a big dude

- you have four teeth

- you give big open mouth kisses

- you love to play pat-a-cake and clap your hands

- you are crawling

- you are so snuggly

- you growl all of the time. When the dogs do their play fighting you laugh so hard and start growling like them

- your sister is still your number one fan and she is yours

- you were sleeping through the night for a week or so and now that has gone out of the window. You are too stoked to try out all of your new tricks you have been learning and now have no interest in sleeping.

- you are either super smily and happy or you make the most ridiculous frown and look like you hate life haha  (your frown makes you look just like your dad)

Willow Is Three

We celebrated Willow in true Ukee fashion...

She requested daddies famous crepes

Hiked the Wild Pacific Trail

When we came home a life-sized princess by Sharkys Balloons was waiting to play with her

We went to the Howlers for presents, bowling and dinner

That cake by Zoes Bakery was out of this world

We snuck off to the beach to say goodnight to the sun

Dear Willow,

You are three whole years old! I can't even believe how much joy you have brought us in your short little life thus far.

 You are wild, energetic, brave, compassionate, smart, adventurous, curious, hilarious, beautiful, kind, stubborn, polite, loving, fun, inquisitive, charming, whiny, sweet, I mean I really could go on forever.

You have been the absolute best big sis to your little bro. You are so patient with him. He will grab a huge chunk of those curly locks and you will just painfully grimace and wait for him to let go and then laugh afterwards.

You are such a performer, someone get this kid an agent. You sing and dance all day long. Shaking your hips and shoulders are your signature

You are boy crazy, your current love is a boy named Finn

You don't like to be called a baby. You are a BIG KID.

You are so good at entertaining yourself

You want to go to school so badly

You love the park

Your favourite food is raw carrots

You love talking about bears

You need your afternoon naps, otherwise we are all miserable

Books are your thing, you love a good book

You can only wear things that match, such a fashionista

Your favourite colours are pink and purple

You are super sassy

You love mermaids

You have a wild imagination. You have an imaginary purple house and a puppy named Koala

You like talking about poop (which we are trying to stop, thanks Papa)

You love gardening

Daddy is the only one that can sing you goodnight songs

Your best friends are Emmett, Finn, Isla, Hali, & Averie

You love playing with sea creatures and slugs

Your favourite treat is chocolate pop bears from Zoes

You tried dance and soccer camp this summer and you definitely loved dance more

You love "working out" and do it every morning. Situps, pushups, yoga and runs

You love the beach and going for walks. You can hike a good long while on a good day.